Month: January 2014

I’m done with you.

Done_stamp

Have you ever been hurt by someone? Yes, of course, you have a pulse. I think that comes with the territory.

In the midst of that pain, frustration, disappointment have you have said within their earshot (or under your breath): “I’m done with you!” Their failures now outweighing any good they had brought to your life. You comfort yourself that its the best choice. Better to cut ties than get hurt later on AGAIN. No one is going to call me a fool. I’m getting out while I can.

I’m done.

I’ve said that about a few people in my life. Some just a faint memory, others fresher wounds. Just this week, I uttered those words again. I’d had enough. “See ya later!” my heart declared. And that, was that.

A few days later, I’m in a worship service minding my own business. Just trying to focus on Jesus, but struggling to do so. I feel Jesus nudge my heart.

“Hey Holls.”

“Uh, ya? What’s up, Jesus?”

“Remember how ______ hurt you this week? How you decided you were done with them? Remember that?”

“Uh, ya…”

“Ya, I never do that.”

Huh….

I began to remember the stupid things I had done. The times I had grieved the heart of Jesus. Some, maybe even most, of the time doing it knowing full well that I was hurting Him, but not caring cause I was gonna do what I wanted. Each time, though, He’d still be there.

I’m sure I’ll continue to hurt him from time to time. And He’ll remain the same. His steadfast love being…well….steadfast.

Today, let’s take some time to thank God that His love is nothing like mine. That His love won’t give up on you no matter how many failures, slip-ups, tantrums you throw. His love will never run out, but is continually “on tap” and accessible.

His love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:8)

I need help!

help

I need help!

They say that’s the first step to the road to recovery. Step 1: Taken.

Step 2: Well, let’s not rush things.

I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks now. I was talking to a friend and she was sharing her long “to-MUST-do” list with me and in typical Holly fashion I offered my services. She kindly refused them while thanking me for the offer.  She proceeded to take care of everything herself. I watched her as she ran herself ragged and all I could think was “Stubborn girl, just let me help you.”

And then Jesus said, “Exactly.”

“Oh, your gonna chime in on this one? Great! Glad you agree….”

“Sounds like someone else I know,” Jesus replied with His rich sarcasm coming through.

Acting shocked, “WHO could you possibly mean? It couldn’t be ME. I’d NEVER do that.”

But He knew it and I knew it– He nailed me. And He was right. Cause He’s Jesus. So, there’s no use telling Him He’s wrong.

I’ve been doing things my way for a long time now. It’d be easy to just blame my childhood for that. Until the age of 13, I was doing my very best to take care of myself. My biological mother was in the picture, but I figured out quickly that my needs weren’t at the top of her priority list.

I’m just not sure that excuse is going to work when I get into Heaven, though. When I’m asked why I did or didn’t do something I’m not sure throwing my mother under the bus will help me at that point. Plus, I’m 30 now and I’ve spent more time away from that toxic environment than I was in it.

I know why I don’t ask for help. I think it boils down to two main reasons:

1) If I want something done right, I’ve got to do it myself.

2) If I let you help me, it means I can’t do it myself. It means I need someone else– that I’m NOT enough. It means admitting I’m weak and needy and somehow deficient.

Ya, I may be a slight control freak. If you don’t do it the way I think it should be done I’m just going to have it fix it anyway. I’ll cut out the middleman and save everyone some time.

The second reason, however, is the issue at hand. Like a strong-willed child determined to tie my own shoes– I’LL DO IT MYSELF! Stand back, Jesus, I got this. The truth is, I do NOT have it. I’ve gotten by ok for awhile. I’ve made due, but the truth is I’m doing it on my own puny strength. In my ignorance, that has felt like enough.

Until now. I’m one straw away from an anxiety attack or mental breakdown.

I can’t do it anymore. I won’t do it anymore. There’s just TOO much. There’s TOO many things I don’t know how to fix, which I sometimes wonder if that is Jesus’ new-found tactic. If she doesn’t know what to do, she’ll admit she needs me. It’s like me and Jesus are in this perpetual thumb wrestling match and up until this point I’d been yelling foul and make Him replay me thinking somehow I’d win the next one. I’m tapping out, Jesus. DING, DING!

That’s all He’s been waiting for, really.

It’s about time I asked for help. What about you? What have you been doing in your own strength?

I’m going to leave you with Hebrews 13:5b-6. Every time you read it may you be reminded and encouraged knowing He will NOT, He will NOT, He will NOT leave you helpLESS, but He is your very present help in time of need.

…for He [God]Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!] So we take comfort and are encouraged and confidently and boldly say, The Lord is my Helper; I will not be seized with alarm [I will not fear or dread or be terrified]. What can man do to me?