Sometimes I grunt at God.
I’m pretty sure He gets my drift. The sheer disgust of my current state. The discouraged exhale of a fed up girl not getting her way. The disgruntled wordless bemoaning. The eye rolls. Yes, those silly little eye rolls emphasizing the depth of my frustrations.
I got a text from a friend day #2 into a 6 day hospital stay. He asked me what God had been speaking to me while I was laid up. OF COURSE, this was the perfect opportunity to hear from God. No distractions. No busy schedule. Just me stuck in my hospital bed with absolutely no energy, no real concrete thoughts or deep theological revelation. I did what any good Christian would do. I lied.
I shared something that God has been speaking to me about, but something that has been simmering for months (you’ll be hearing about this more shortly). I couldn’t bring myself to tell this friend that I felt like God had been silent during this “vacation” of mine. I couldn’t actually tell this friend that my desire was to just get through the pain and get to the other side of this affliction.
My pride is my biggest hurdle to true honesty. If I were actually honest with my friend he might think less of me. Maybe he’d start praying for me convinced I was some kind of “backslider”. I’m being silly, but isn’t that where out mind goes? If I’m honest, maybe people won’t like the real me.
During my hospital stay, I didn’t necessarily hear God say anything, but I can tell you something He showed me. I saw love in the flesh. I saw friends rally around me offering their time to sit with me for hours, sometimes in silence. I saw flowers flooding my bed-side table from friends near and far letting me know they were thinking of me and praying for me. I saw nurses in beautiful kindness bring me comfort in forms of painkiller and jell-o.
Maybe, God didn’t say anything. Or maybe He decided to SHOW me something instead.