faith

Cliches, Platitudes & Useless Advice

CPUA

Let’s pretend for a moment that you were having a hard time.

Not that YOU would ever have a hard time, but humor me anyway.

Maybe you received a test result from a doctor that you weren’t expecting. Maybe you’ve been searching for a job for months with nothing to show for it. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one. Maybe your spouse decided they didn’t love you anymore. Maybe your favorite shirt shrunk in the dryer. Or maybe your favorite TV show has been cancelled.

Sure, there’s some extremes there, but each one is legitimate in its own right. I promise I will do my best not to judge you and your struggle, and I’m begging you to return the favor. It’s a very prideful person that would decipher  who is “allowed” to be hurting/struggling and who isn’t. I think we could all admit we don’t fully understand another person’s struggles simply because we haven’t lived that person’s life.

Now that we’ve got that groundwork laid, I think it’s important to share some advice with you.

Stop giving advice. (See what I did there?)

Stop with the cliches.

Stop with the cute sayings with floral backgrounds you found on Pinterest. (Things will be OK in the end. If they’re not OK, it’s not the end…This one makes me with it were the end!)

Stop with the “Christianese” answers. (God will never give you more than you can handle– wrong.)

Or the “You should read this book”. (It’ll just get added to the stack)

Keep reading, I promise I’ll clear some things up.

I’ve given you my “NOT-TO-DO” list, but you may be wondering: So what DO you want people to do, Holly?!?

I’m glad you asked!

Listen.

Love.

And if they’re into that kind of thing give them a hug. 🙂 Maybe they’d prefer a high-five, or an awkward side hug, or an arm squeeze.

Listening seems pretty straight forward, but I fear it may need some clarifying. It doesn’t mean listening with one ear and doing a mental “Google search” for some trite response. I’ve done that before, I’ll admit it. I’ll be listening to a friend who is telling me how how they’re hurting and my brain will pick up on a key word/theme and then I start thinking of every book, Scripture verse, or Snapple fact I’ve read that could possibly relate to the situation.

Just listen. Hand them a tissue if they start to tear up. Look them in the eyes. Really listen.

Now for the love part. This part is a little bit more tricky because each person is different and receives love in different ways. If they’ve told you about a physical pain, instead of just saying “I’ll be praying for you!” actually pray for them. Ya, like right there. I don’t care that it’s the ice cream aisle at the grocery store. If they’ve told you they’re struggling financially, send them a gift card in the mail or hand them a 20 spot. If they’re lonely, call them up a few days later and ask them if they’d like to get a coffee.

Or, simply tell them you love them and you care.

As I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again and again, as Christians we don’t have to have ALL the answers. Yes, God, Jesus the Bible and all the Sunday School answers are easy to spew out, as a cover-up when a simple “I don’t know” would be more honest.

I don’t know why you aren’t married yet.

I don’t know why you have cancer.

I don’t know why that person said that hurtful thing.

Also, and maybe this is just a personality thing, but sometimes just hearing someone say they love me brings some comfort. I’m a “words of affirmation” girl, with “Gifts of Chocolate” as a close second. 😉

And if during the week, there’s a Bible verse that you think would give them hope, by all means share it with them. I’m not saying *all* advice/encouragement is useless. Just the thoughtless kind.

Don’t give out dimes by the dozen when a person needs a treasure to hold onto.

 

Are you for real?

are you for real

Social media has a bad reputation. It gets accused of being shallow and showing the world only the best and most exciting parts of a person’s life. That it breeds narcissism, selfishness and egotism. You can after all, at any moment, show the world your OOTD*, what you ate for breakfast and give your critique of the movie you watched all while sitting on the toilet taking a dump.

These types of bed head pics don’t usually make the cut, unless of course you’re ok with people seeing morning eye crusties:

photo (2) 2013-08-10 07.58.01

Usually, we post the perfectly filtered profile picture ready ones like these:

1391851_10153393401350106_1677901629_n 382334_10152859535970106_516364252_n

As much as I’d love to peg Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any other social media site as the scapegoat I know the real problem isn’t the media being used, but the person using it.

I don’t think social media is the problem. As much as my dad may disagree. I think the issue of shallow relationships, selective sharing and spotlighting achievements has been happening since before the Internet was even invented. Before electricity even. You see, from the beginning, humanity has been trying to cover up the undesirable parts. (If you want an explanation on that, check out my post “Showering Naked & Other Fears”.)

I assure you, I agree there is a problem. I guess I’m just more frustrated with people who ask, “How are you doing?” and then look at you like you just rained on their parade when you give them an honest response. I understand there are certain social norms that dictate that the “appropriate” response is “fine” or “good”, but I can’t bring myself to lie if that isn’t how I’m feeling. I’ve found my honesty is unwarranted most of the time, but I figure they’ll think twice before asking me again.

I also understand that not everyone is meant to be in the “inner circle” of your life. That some people are strangers, others are acquaintances, others are going to get ice cream friends and others still are sitting by your hospital bed companions. There’s this relationship hierarchy and with each level comes higher responsibility, deeper commitment and vulnerability. There’s wisdom in boundaries, to a certain extent.

Here’s the thing: Genuine relationship is rooted in honest dialogue.

And sometimes honest dialogue comes when someone finds out, “Hey! I do that too” or “I’ve felt like that”. So even though I might not want people to know certain things, sharing those things can make a connection. And I believe, ultimately it will bring freedom and relief to know I’m not alone, but someone can relate.

It’s not easy and everything inside is screaming: DON’T SHARE THAT! THEY WON’T ACCEPT YOU ANYMORE! THEY WON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. THEY’LL LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY! But that’s just the enemy trying to keep you isolated. Some people may look at you differently, but for others you may just be the breath of fresh air they’ve been gasping for.

That’s one of the reasons why I write this blog. If someone, even ONE person can connect with my struggle, my story, and find some kind of freedom, some kind of Life for their weary bones than its all worth it to me.

*For those of you who don’t know what this acronym stands for, let me help you out. Outfit Of The Day. Yup. It’s a thing. I promise.

From the Wreckage

Wreckage

While in the Drive-Thru of my local McD’s I noticed a sign in the window that read: “We will be closed March 15-May 15 due to renovations. Sorry for the inconvenience.” It IS an inconvenience, McDonald’s. Do you expect me to make my own breakfast? Gosh.

It’s been closed a few weeks now, and I drove by it on my way to the grocery store…to get food to make my own breakfast when I noticed something startling. Apparently, when they used the word “renovation” they should have used the words demolish, overhaul, REBUILD. All of those would have been more appropriate than renovate, which makes us think of new paint colors on the wall and an updated Ronald statue in the entrance. Instead, there were some piles of rubble, a few full dumpsters and that was it. Nothing remained of the old building. Nothing.

I’m a simple kid and I keep a simple kind of faith. I pray simple prayers and say simple things like “Jesus, do what you want with my life. I am yours.” That simple, dangerous statement Jesus has taken very seriously much to my surprise.

As I mentioned is my previous post Jesus is interested in doing an overhaul– not just a surface cleaning of my heart. But from where I stand, all I can see, is wreckage. “I asked for this.” I mumble to myself as I look around at the debris…the brokenness. I see Jesus running the bulldozer. His yellow hard hat standing out in a sea of grey. He smiles and gives me a thumbs up. I muster a slight smile as a tear stumbles down my cheek.

Everything is shattered.

Nothing has gone untouched.

I’m often told by those who love me, and who also love Jesus, that this is a GOOD place to be. I’ve taken their word for it because nothing feels GOOD about this. It hurts. And sometimes, I’m very angry about all of it. My prayer life has been more like a steady stream of comment cards in Jesus’ suggestion box. I tell Him how I’d like things done. The timeline I’d like them done in. Oh, and don’t forget the chocolate. He softly reminds me He didn’t ask for my suggestions and He doesn’t need my help. He has sent the chocolate though.

So, what do I do? I go back to the basics. God loves me. God is good. God’s grace is sufficient. God is made perfect in my weakness. God is my provider. God is my healer. God hasn’t abandoned me. Each Truth just enough to swallow in one bite.

I’ll leave you with this excerpt from Brothers McClurg’s song “You shine through”, which has been an encouragement to my soul:

You shine brighter when we’re broken

With our hearts stretched out upon the floor

In our weakness and our failures,

Your light shines beauty to this world

From our broken hearts, we’re crying out

Through the cracks in all of us,

Through the fractures and through the dust,

You shine through, You shine through

In the darkness, you’re the dawn,

Blazing like the morning sun,

You shine through, You shine through.

Jesus, from the wreckage I ask that your glory would shine bright, that your love would flow free and your grace would be in abundance. 

A perfect fit.

puzzle

Sitting in Youth Group, I noticed her staring at someone across the room. I knew the look well from personal experience. I could almost hear the voices in her head as she examined the other girl.

“Her skin is perfect. Not like mine all blotchy and dry. Is she even wearing any makeup?!”

“I wish my hair was like hers. Why didn’t I try and do something with this hair? Ugh.”

“She’s got such a pretty singing voice. I sound like a dying calf.”

I’ve been playing the comparison game as long as I could remember. Everyone had something I longed for. My sister had athletics and the ability to run long distances and not DIE. The girl sitting next to me in English had the skinny, lean body while my chins could be numbered. He learned languages easily and quickly while I couldn’t conjugate to save my life. She’s married and has a couple great kids while I’m VERY single and no where close to picking out little pink tutus or little jean overalls.

Comparing is breeding ground for pity and I was the Pity, Pity Princess.

I’ve come to learn that one of the problems with this mentality is that each time I play the comparison game I’m telling God : You didn’t do a good job on me.  I’m telling a perfect God that He made a mistake. And to top that, that my feeble human mind knows BETTER.

There are some Truths I believe about God. I believe He is perfect. That He is good. That He is all knowing. All powerful. But I was living as if He was one of those people who has to read the direction on how to make Pop-Tarts. Ya know what I mean? In revelatory fashion, it all clicked. If God is perfect and He made me than He made me perfectly. I’m not one of the “imperfects” marked down on the clearance shelf either.

I’ve got everything I was meant to have. Sure, I’m not musically gifted, my muscle is protected by layers of “cuddle” and I’d much rather run into a Starbucks than run in a marathon, but I’m me. And everything I am and have (in regards to gifts, passions, skills, talents) is exactly what I need.

I’m a unique puzzle piece, but I fit perfectly into MY spot in the big picture. There’s no sense trying to make myself fit in someone else’s spot. It won’t work, but if I understand that being me means that I can connect with the people God has placed around me for this time and for His purpose than I can finally find some peace. That means that even though there are 7 billion people in the world– I am still significant because God made only one me. And there may be over 240 million blogs on the internet– my blog is still important because it will reach and speak to people that other blogs won’t. And no other blog has me…so there’s that too.

Stop looking at everyone else. God did a good job on YOU. You are going to love people I’ll never know. You’re going to do things I could never do. And that’s awesome. We want and we NEED genuine you. Not some weird Frankenstein mash-up of who you think we need or want. Just you– the way God made you. In all your quirkiness. You.