Up until last week, it had been 2 years since I had written a single blog/article. I’d have friends ask me why I wasn’t writing and my response was, “I don’t have anything good to say.” And I had decided, following that old golden rule, if you don’t have anything nice to say than you shouldn’t say anything at all.
So I didn’t.
I decided that maybe I was done with trying to encourage others with the written word. If I couldn’t encourage my own heart how in the world was I going to encourage someone (ANYONE) else?!
Then, recently, a week after I had preached at my church, I had someone call me a hypocrite. “How could you preach with such anointing and then act the way you do?” If I was what that person said I was — a hypocrite– than I certainly shouldn’t be speaking publicly.
It seemed like only more confirmation that I should continue to be muzzled. I didn’t want to risk saying something wrong or worse yet hurtful. In many ways, that philosophy ran over into my personal life, too.
My struggles had kept me silent and I thought that I couldn’t write until I was “better”. Whatever that means. But here I am, chest deep in struggle and I’m clawing myself to the keyboard to squeak out something that might bring us hope.
When we go through suffering one of the questions we like to ask is “Why is this happening to me?! The rest of the conversation, at least from my end, goes something like this: Haven’t I done enough?
Ah. There it is: the sting of Truth. I’ve been working at trying to be enough since I was a kid. I thought if I wasn’t so fat maybe then I would be enough. If I got better grades maybe then I would be enough. If I was athletic maybe then I would be enough.
Those thoughts easily moved into my relationship with Jesus. If I read the Bible more then I will be enough. If I pray and fast more then I will be enough. If I serve every week at church then I will be enough.
Sitting across the table from a dear friend and mentor last week I asked her, “What do I need to do to get out of this difficult season? Just tell me, what am I not doing?”
Rest.
::groan::
I do that so well. (Please read that in the font: sarcasm)
But I also knew what she was saying was right because God has been telling me the same thing. Actually, two days earlier I was at a Youth Conference and sang these words:
“I won’t rest until I find my rest in you. You are where my hope is!” (Find Rest)
The words landed heavy in my chest and I knew that simple phrase was what God was trying to get through to me. He wanted me to be just as devoted and determined to rest as I had been about striving.
To continue to drive the point home further, I was brought to this verse in John 6 twice this week:
John 6:63 (NLT) “It is the Spirit who gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life.”
Those words are from Jesus. At the time, He had just shared some difficult Truth with His disciples and they were complaining because it offended them and it was too hard for them to get. (Uh, relateable.) So, He reminds them it’s the Holy Spirit that does the work and all of our effort or striving gets us nothing. At which point, many of His disciples left.
Guess they didn’t like what they heard. Kinda like how I didn’t like what I was being told. But Jesus was/IS right and I know it.
All our “trying so hard” is getting us burnt out and discouraged. It’s not going to bring us the freedom and PEACE we’re searching for. Admittedly, working/doing/striving comes easier for me. It’s easier than quieting down and allowing the Holy Spirit to work– to give over control and trust that He will do a good work in me.
Maybe you find yourself in a similar season. You’ve tried it all and nothing has worked, but you keep spinning your wheels finding yourself in a deeper hole. Give rest a shot. Put as much energy and devotion into rest as you do in your work. Hold it as sacred time where God can do some repair on the areas of your heart that have been bruised and broken.
It may seem like you are accomplishing nothing. In fact, that’s exactly right. You aren’t so He can.
The Common Queen 
Thank you. Needed this today.
This was so needed. I was excited to see you post. Grateful that you answered the call. Truly inside and out! Love you, Tiesha
Reblogged this on Beautiful Natural Curls and commented:
A must read from The Common Queen
I’ve been wrestling recently with a line I read in a book by Andrew Murray. Writing about stillness of soul, he argued that “[we] must cease entirely from [our] own doing and wait for the working of God.” I agree that we ought to trust in God and wait on Him, but are we really suppose to cease entirely from doing? How is that even possible?
Anyway, I very much appreciated your post. It has encouraged me to continue wrestling with this idea.
This is the question, isn’t it? I think the big distinction is the heart of it— is the work done in striving (to earn something) or done in faithfulness and generosity and obedience. God obviously calls us to partipate in this life and even be a part of His work, but it’s never to be based out of our own source or strength. I’ve really been spending much time meditating on rest (how it’s connected to holiness and how it was something that instituted to show a distinction between his people and other nations, etc.) For me, I know my struggles and why I push myself to do. But it’s asking that hard question. Am I driven for the right reason? Appreciate your thoughts here, Ben. It certainly adds to my own and may be something I dive into further in future posts.
What you said kind of confirms what God’s been telling me too. Although instead of striving I was distracted, and God made that *very* clear to me these past couple weeks. Thank you for sharing!
That’s very cool! I get distracted too. Distracted with busyness. Just one more excuse not to rest. Keep your eyes on Him. He’s got good things for you!
Good to start hearing from you again Holly. Your post is such a good reminder. Actually I need to be reminded so often. I have been enjoying “Jesus Calling Devotional” for the daily reminder to always get in His presence . Live in the day not in the tomorrow’s. In reviewing some of my facebook memories I wonder now what I was struggling with back those years mentioned since I appear to still struggle with life itself in general and specific, though I love the Lord with the passion of my heart. At times the same thoughts as you mentioned of “Haven’t I done enough?” would come to mind. But for me the slant was on the enduring of enough to be deserving of catching a break. The Lord is teaching me there is no such thing as enough other than the fat that He is enough. So if I never catch a break it really will not matter because He is enough . Although I know this does not mean it will be easy and I will continue to struggle. My prayer is for me to catch it quick enough so I struggle less and rest in Him. Keep up writing and sharing. All of us struggle and all of us need encouragement. Maybe where one struggles is where you can encourage and where you struggle another can encourage. We lift each other up and build and edify one another.
Love ya girl — and as this season leads us to the challenge of “let every heart prepare him room”. Praying what that looks like for me . Praying for what that looks like for you. Looking forward to your next blog in the NEAR future! 😊