I’ve always been fat.
At a very early age, I was told that I was disgusting and a pig. The person who spoke these words over me, was supposed to be the one person that shouldn’t have said them. I can still hear her voice in my head, daily.
The kids at school, when they were feeling especially mean, would taunt me with the nickname “Miss Piggy”. As I got older, classmates stopped making verbal remarks, but I always wondered if they were silently judging me. I couldn’t fit into the LIMITED jeans that were wildly popular like the other girls. Instead, I cloaked my body with wide leg skater jeans and baggy t-shirts. I dove headlong into the “punk” look thankful that it masked the outline of my body.
In high school, I started taking diuretics given to me by a friend. She educated me on different tips to lose weight and burn calories off of different anorexic sites she frequented. This season didn’t last long– I didn’t enjoy being on the toilet all the time and I was afraid my family would find out. I opted to just skip meals when I could.
Between then and now, I’ve tried everything. Calorie counting. Fad diets. Long hours at the gym. I’ve set goals. I’ve joined accountability groups. I’ve phoned a friend.
Each thing worked, momentarily. I’d lose some weight. Start feeling good about myself. People would start commenting on how good I looked. (Funny how I don’t hear the same compliments when I’m not losing weight.) But then something would happen, and I’d stall out/give up.ÂNo matter how many pounds came off, I still hated myself. My body. My face. The way my eyebrows stick out wildly. The thinness of my lips. The mole next to my left ear. The crookedness of my bottom teeth. The critique could go on, people, but I think you see my point.
I’m 30 years old, and refuse to have a full length mirror at my house. I crop every picture that includes anything below my chest. I labor over what filter to use on selfies, in an attempt to find that one that will hide the most imperfections. (The selfie song is right– Valencia IS the best!) I’ve become the girl who can’t leave the house, even to go hiking, without my make-up on. All in an attempt to feel lovable.
Because the real issue is the thought that because I am fat I am unworthy of love. That only those that can pull off a bikini or leg baring skirt can be loved. That a man, no matter how God-fearing, won’t love this package I am in. That I will be single until I lose the inches and the pounds.
BUT my worth, your worth is not based on your lack of muffin top. You are lovable because you are YOU. That’s it.
I’m aware that most, if not all, magazines are plastered with tall, skinny models. I don’t find any comfort in knowing that all of them have been photoshopped in some way. Thigh gaps put in later. Hips slimmed. Necks raised and thinned. The picture society paints as beautiful won’t change any time soon.
So, what do I do? What do we do?
Well, we keep speaking Truth to our hearts and to others. We cut off the internal dialogue when it starts pointing out our flaws. We speak words of life and beauty to our hearts, instead of words of disgust and disdain. It’s not an easy battle, but one I believe that is worth the fight because you are worth it.
You are lovely. All of you. Every roll, every pimple, every cellulite dimple. You add beauty to our world. Your laugh a unique song. Your smile a ray of light to a dark world. Your eyes sparkling with life. Your hands vehicles of love.
You. are. beautiful.
And you are worthy of love. Just the way you are. Just the size you are.
Take it from John Legend, you are perfectly imperfect.
The Common Queen 
Well said Holly, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, He made no declaration on the package that gift came in. Every scar emotional or otherwise makes us who we are and if we can get past the media exploited version of who we should be. Whether it is early wounds by comments from people that hurt the most, those comments are simply a vocal reflection or deflection of their own shortcomings. We all live with insecurity with the exception of those that go through life lying to everyone especially themselves. God does not make mistakes in His masterpieces.
Good word!! God doesn’t make mistakes. That’s Truth for every soul.
Preach it!
Haha! I’ll keep preaching it, Vincy! Don’t you worry! 🙂
THIS! Thank you for sharing these words. I completely relate.
You’re welcome– it’s my pleasure to declare some truth to our hearts today!
Thank you!!! Made me cry, because I am fat AND loveable!! xoxo
You are so so lovable! May you be reminded of it everyday.
I have been in this head space more than I would care to admit. I have viewed pretty people as alien and something to model myself after. Finally the Lord started grabbing my attention with moments undeniably filled with love. (Like this one: http://daynabickham.com/love-letters-tiaras-necklace/)
One thing I will say is this. Fat is a noun. It is a thing. If I am using it as an adjective to describe myself, or if you are, then STOP.
You are a woman. You are a child of the King. You are blessed. You are beautiful. (AND I TOTALLY MEAN THAT… like WOW) and you are more than a dress size. Fat is a condition. Conditions change or they don’t. We cannot let condition interrupt our position in Christ.
What I tell myself is this: “If you feel “fat” you better be squeezing a thigh and not saying your state of being is “fat”. When we feel with our senses (Taste, touch, smell, Hearing, seeing) rather than dealing with the emotions underneath, then we let the enemy in to steal us of purpose. I will not let the enemy win so easily!”
I hope you will not either. Keep going and know that your vulnerability will speak volumes to women around the world.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and encouraging comment. I think you bring up a good point that was no explicitly stated in the post– being fat is not where I should find my identity. Just like we shouldn’t find it there if we are a size 2, or if we make a lot of money or are married, etc. our identity can not be found in ourselves or in others, but in that fact that we are His. That’s it. Bare bones.
And yet, that’s something I (we) need reminded of every day. To trust that He is enough and we (in Him) is enough as well.
Thanks again!
I love your blog. And I love your honesty. HUGS!
That’s very sweet, Jes! Thanks for reading. 🙂 Trying to keep it real, ya know?
Your blog really spoke to me and this is the song I’ve been encouraged with. Thank you for your vulnerability and openness in sharing your journey and your heart. When we speak out and bring these things into the light, the power they have over us weakens.
You are beautiful, Holly!
Thank you so much, Amaris. I appreciate you reading and encouraging my heart. 🙂
I loved this blog! You’re beautiful inside and out Holly! ~Aisha
Thank you for the kind words, Aisha! 🙂 I appreciate them very much. Glad you enjoyed the post!
I’m new here. The first picture I saw of you was on your Facebook page and I instantly thought, “awww, she’s really cute”. So use that cuteness and know God loves us and made us as we are.
Welcome to the sassy. 🙂 And Thank you, that’s very kind and sweet of you. And I am certain He made no mistakes on me. Or you, either. I appreciate the encouragement!
Look in the mirror again. But, not through the eyes of worldly individuals.
But, through the eyes of individuals who see beauty in everything!
I had a friend who always thought she was overweight. Who listened to overweight comments about her body.
She hated your body and began to starve her self and take drugs in order to lose weight.
It broke my heart. Because I saw a beautiful woman go from the beautiful woman she was. To one of poor health and broken.
She passed away a few years back. And I miss her. You see she never realized the beauty from within.
I loved her because she had a overweight heart! By that I mean. It loved more, laughed more, cared more; she seen life bigger then anyone I will ever know.
And most of all she loved more! She was and will always be the most beautiful woman I have ever known!
And I am sure you are too!